Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Saint Bernards Go Marching




Sailor here.

Do you like music? I like music. So does our puppy, Bilgewater.

Mom says every registered dog has a call name and that the puppy’s call name is Jib. But I call him Bilgewater. Mom also says that every show dog has a long ACK registered name. My long ACK registered name is Shalimar’s Stilvalley In Cahoots. When I compete in dog shows, this is my name in the program. Boy, am I glad Mom calls me Sailor. Bilgewater’s long ACK registered name must be NoNoBadDog-LeaveIt. I’d love to see THAT one in a program some day.

And when my name is in the program and I compete in dog shows, we all pile into the Dog Car and drive, drive, drive.

When we are riding in the Dog Car, Mom plays music for me. Sometimes she plays rock and Rollover. (I love Rollover, but I think it’s called Natural Balance now.) Bilgee loves listening to Rollover Beethoven, a song about beetles, cookies, a Saint Bernard, and a funny dog trick. He loves this song because rolling over was his first dog trick and he got Rollover when Mom clicked and treated. He likes Saint Bernards, too; there was one in his puppy class that he actually got to play with.

When we are riding in the Dog Car and Mom doesn’t know the way, she plays another of my favorite composers, MostArt. I mean, what’s not to like about a gang of wolves? Mom also plays Dog Gone Classical Music to help keep the puppy’s tummy calm. It has the added benefit of helping Mom find her sense of direction so we don’t get lost.

Sometimes Mom picks songs by Tammy Swinette and Cowdog Hank when we are out in the country and drive by pigs and cattle. Bilgewater sings along with his favorite Cowdog Hank song just to make Zoe mad. “Move over little dog, cause the big dog’s moving in….” Zoe pretends she is not amused, but I can see the tip of her tail wagging in time to the music. She likes being the little dog who rules.

Mom sings this same song to me, too, when I am heeling and sit in heel position a little too far away…”Move it on over, move it on over…” she hums, and I move over and Mom smiles. She sings this to me if I forget and sit crooked during our Rally exercises, too.

But she doesn’t have to sing to me in Rally much any more because I am a star. I have mastered the Johann exercise, a really hard one which makes a lot of dogs lose their composer. It’s called Bach one-two-three steps. This was difficult to learn, and Mom would almost go into a fugue state until I figured it out. But she taught me to back up next to a short wall, and now she smiles and says, “Good Sailor” if we find the Bach sign on the cone.

Speaking of Bach, when we are entered in a real obedience trial (which for Mom really is a trial), Mom has been known to gulp Rescue Remedy before she goes into the ring. All that music and flowers tend to make her smell less Nervous. Which is why the class is called Nervous A or B, I suppose, and why Mom was In Cahoots with Bach when I got all those legs. This was very fitting because of my long ACK registered name.

There’s one song I really hate, though, and it’s not Dirty Old Egg Sucking Dog by Johnny Cash. (That’s Zoe’s favorite.) When we go into the ring and Mom starts singing about a duck being somebody’s mother, then I know we are going to heel, heel, heel, heel, heel. I don’t know why she’s picked this song. After my last duck disaster, I am a little leery of ducks, and when she does her duck named Suzy thing, I get very nervous. I mean, what if a rogue duck pops up in the middle of the ring? Then what do I do? Well, I lag. That’s what I do. And I forget to sit at the first halt. I do wish Mom would pick another song. I never know if she’s just singing to sing, or if she’s trying to make the rogue duck less Nervous.

When we are riding in the Dog Car, Mom sometimes tries to amuse us with singing dog trivia. Did you know that this Dog Dad (named Rossini after his favorite pasta dish) wrote a piece of dog music each year for his dog on his dog’s birthday? Mom’s trivia can be disappointing, though. She didn’t even know the name of Rossini’s dog. Or the names of his birthday songs. I’d much rather listen to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. Nothing like a piece of music about dog food additives, but Mom’s trivia questions can drown out the best part, the dog barking in the background.

When we are riding in the Dog Car for a long time, Mom listens to Opurra, which is not cats purring like it should be, but sounds more like Bilgewater in the morning when he wants to get out of his crate and start his busy day. Mom says he is a soprano, and if nighttime television is any measure, I hope he doesn’t start shooting up the neighborhood any time soon. Maybe he can wait until I go to the Rainbow Bridge.

When we are riding in the car, Bilgewater sleeps, I lie down and stare out the windows, and Zoe stops pacing in her crate and sometimes even sits down. Mom plays Going Home dog songs and sings along. She sings about a hound dog, a dog named Bingo, and a dog named Blue, but all this singing can sometimes hurt my ears. One day, I swear, we three dogs are going to join in and have a pack howl right there in the back of the Dog Car.

Today it’s started raining, we are home from a Dog Car trip, and my ears are still full of Hank the Cowdog. Zoe is camping out in Bilgewater’s doghouse and won’t make room for him, so the puppy has had to cram himself into Zoe’s dogloo. I can hear him singing under his breath, “This dog house here is mighty small, but it's sure better than no house at all.”

Zoe will not move it on over.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Teethies


Sailor here.

Mom has gone on this teethie brushing kick. First she kicks me outside, then she brushes my teethies. The teethie goo tastes good, but the brush is annoying. The goo tastes better than the brush annoys, though, so today hopped up on the grooming table and showed her my teethies.
Mom started brushing. My tongue started fighting back. I tried to push the brush out of my mouth. That didn’t work. Mom brushed and brushed. She brushed up one side of my mouth and down the other. Tooth goo went everywhere. My tongue went everywhere. But still, Mom got the job done.

Then it was Jib’s turn. He loves having his teeth brushed because he loves the goo way more than he hates the brush. He is better with his tongue, too. He can flick slobbery goo across the porch! He tried to hit Mom with it so she would go away, but that didn't work. Mom never goes away. And she always finishes the job with Jib, too. Then she goes inside and washes her hands and changes her shirt.

Mom is trying to get Jib to make Ugly Face when she wants to brush his teethies. First she grabs the clicker. Then she grabs some cookies. She tickles Jibby’s upper lip. Jib sometimes makes a small Ugly Face. Mom clicks. Jib gets treats.

I do not. Hmmmph. And I CAN make Ugly Face.

“Show me your teethies,” Mom said to Jib today.

Jib made Ugly Face and then ruined it by smiling. He doesn’t quite get it.

I was standing on the ground looking up at Jib. I made Ugly Face for Mom, but she didn't see. And I didn't get cookies.
I was robbed.

Mom is Cross


Sailor here.

Mom’s being cross. Mom’s being wordy. Well, wordier than normal. She is sitting in the swing chair with a pencil and a cup of coffee. She is puzzled.

Jib and I are swinging her. First I put my nose in her lap, then Jib does. (There are cookies in her lap under the puppy papers.) Mom swings toward the hot tub. Mom swings toward the grooming table. Mom goes back. And forth. And forth. And back. And she twirls.

“Sailor,” Mom finally said. “Have YOU ever actually been seasick?”

“Once, I think,” I looked deep into her eyes. “When I went to the dog doctor and came home drunk and shaven.”

“Well, you and Jib are making ME seasick.”

That is funny! Sailor, Jib, seasick, get it? BAHAHAHA!

Jib and I suddenly took off.

Bark! Bark! Someone’s in the street! Alarm bark! Bark! Bark!

Whistle! (Mom really can whistle, and loud, too.) She whistles us to quiet when we run to the fence and yell.

Go run to Mom! Run fast to Mom!
I tried to beat Jib, but he was too fast. I knew we would get cookies for coming on the whistle. Jib didn’t, but he still beat me.

I got my cookie first. Hahahaha, Jibby.

We swang Mom some more, looking for cookies.

“Sailor,” Mom said, “What’s a five-letter word for ‘get lost’?”

A squirrel yelled at us from across the lawn.

We scrammed.


Saturday, January 19, 2008

Jib Here - The Dog Park!!!


THE DOG PARK

Jib here.

Mom went to the dog park today. She brought cookies. She brought me.

Dogs! Dogs! Big dogs, loud dogs, running dogs. They are inside the fence. I am outside.

I wanna play, I wanna play, I wanna play!

Oh, smelly fish cookie.

I wanna play!

Look at you? Look at you? No! I wanna play!

Bark! Bark! Pull on leash.

Erk! Hard on neck, that one.

Look at Mom.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.

Heel? Heel? OK but I wanna play! Look at Mom.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.

Dogs far away. I wanna play.

Heel, heel, heel, smelly fish cookie, heel.

Dogs closer. Dogs closer. Sniffing me through the fence.

Look at Mom.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.

Sit? I can do that.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.

Stay? You want me to STAY? NONONONONONO!

I wanna play, I wanna play!

(Think about butt, think about butt. Butt on ground.)

Wow! Liverwurst!!!!!

Look at Mom. Sit. Stay. Look at Mom.

Liverwurst!!!!!

I wanna…liverwurst! I want liverwurst!

Heel, heel, heel, look at Mom, sit. Look at Mom.

Liverwurst!!!!!

Burp.

Heel, heel, watch Mom.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.

We’re leaving? I …wanna…play…

I’m tired. I’m so tired.

Look at you? OK. I’m so tired.

Yum. Smelly fish cookie.


Friday, January 18, 2008

Jib Here - It's ME!!!



Jib here.

Hi! Hi! Hi! Can I smell you? Do you have cookies or…
Look! Is that a squirrel? Where? Where?
I’m Jib, I’m Jib, My name is …
Hey, cool shoes! I love the laces! Can I smell…
Cookies! Cookies! Mom has cookies! How can I get one? Maybe if I…
Squirrel! Squirrel!
pant pant pant
Let’s run!!

Jib here. I’m Jibby! I’m Jib but Mom calls me different names, too.

When I’m having fun in the house, my name is Leave It!
When I’m saying Hi to new human friends, my name is Off!
When I see a dog across the street, my name is JibWatchMe!
When I’m lonely, my name is Enough! Hush!
When I’m hungry, my name is WanntEat?
When we are at agility, my name is INCOMING shouted very loud. Playing with the other puppies is much more fun than…

I’m Jib! I’m Jib!

When I want to bark at Sailor and Zoe, my name is Nothing’sHappeningHush.
When Mom and I go walkies, my name is WithMeGoodDog. (I like that)
When I am sleepy, my name is GoodBoyJibby.
When Mom leaves for work, my name is Box. Then I get a cookie when I go out with Aunt Zoe.

When Mom goes to bed, my name is Crate.
When I play with Mom, my name is FrisbeeJibby or SqueakyBallJibby, GET IT!
When Sailor tries to hump me, my name is…

Hey! Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel!

My name is Jib!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Puppy Kindergarten



Sailor here.

Well, Bilgewater is learning at a rapid clip. Mom says at his young age, his mind is a sponge.

Yes, I would agree. A soggy sponge some days, a dry one, others, but mostly one full of small holes and odd smells.



Here are some of the things little Scurvy has learned:

1. If he teases Zoe too much, Zoe will lure him into a game of chase and then roll him in the mud.

2. If he teases me too much, I will roll him in the mud, too.

3. If he steals the game hen out of my mouth, Mom steals it out of his mouth and puts it back into my mouth.


4. Mom always comes home to give him lunch.


5. I never get lunch. Hmmph.


6. If he lies down in the car crate, he won't have to hold on with his toenails when Mom goes around corners.


7. If he has to hork in the crate when Mom goes around corners, it is best to do it through the wire so Mom's carpeting gets yucky and not the crate mat.


8. When Mom yells, "Leave it!" - he'd better.


9. The world is full of "Leave-it!"s.


10. His first name is JibJibbyPuppyPuppyPuppy, his middle name is Good Dog, and his last name is Come. Then he gets cheese.


11. I never get cheese.


12. Hmmph.


13. Some days, he looks like a wart hog with floppy ears, the way his nose is growing.


14. Some days, he smells like a wart hog, too.


15. Loud sounds on the street aren't as interesting as what's in Mom's pockets.


16. When Mom steps on the long line and says, "Wait!” - he'd better.


17. Jib’s crate is a good place for a nap. My crate is an even better place for him to nap. Hmmph.


18. If he barks in his crate, someone will squirt him in the face. He can whine, though.


19. Standing in the water dish will give him wet feet.


20. Wet feet aren't much fun because Mom always comes at him with a towel.


21. Towels are really fun, though. They feel good on puppy teeth.


22. Losing puppy teeth means lots more chewing.


23. Lots more chewing means having his ears braced. Again.


24. Ear bracing makes a sticky mess all over the place, especially Mom's fingers and the hair on Jib's head.


25. Mom sometimes uses bad words, but he is not to take it personally.


26. The fireplace is verboten.


27. The fireplace tools are verboten, too.


28. Bitter apple tastes really awful and turns his face into funny shapes.


29. Mom loves bitter apple.


30. Hmmph.

Give Back the Change!


Sailor here.

Mom kept telling me that things were going to change around here.

What things? I don’t remember the last change around here, unless it was when our latest collie rescue, DeeDee, showed up. And stayed. And stayed. I don’t mind, though. I think I like her, and I know she likes me. She gives my ruff love bites every chance she gets. And she barks at me, too. I think she’s saying how handsome and wonderful I am.

Mom said things are going to change, and two days ago, they did.

What has changed is that I have become a grumpy old man. Hmmph. Mom spends all her time with this strange puppy who is beginning to smell less and less like Strange and more and more like Family. His name is Jib or Jibby or Jibaroo or PuppyPuppyPuppy. Unlike many puppies I have known (shudder), his name is not NoNoBadDog. Which is probably a good thing for him, but he makes me look bad. I wish he’d become NoNoBadDog instead of me.

My name is changing From Sailor-boy to NoNoSailorLeaveIt whenever the puppy gets in my face, or my ruff, or my, er, other stuff. I feel obliged to snarl and raise my lip and let the Interloper know that This Is Not Polite. Mom would rather I walk away, but how do you walk away when a Little Pest is hanging on to your kilts? Besides, DeeDee loves him and lets him hang on her lower lip and she doesn't even give him The Look.

Mom plays with The Pest and gets up many times during my sleep-dream-dark cycle to take him outside. She says she is Sleep Prived. I say she is worse than that. She acts like her brain has fallen out of her ears. She has forgotten to feed me right on time, and she has forgotten how to give me scritches. Instead, she listens to puppy screeches.

And she leaves me outside when the puppy is inside and brings me inside when the puppy is outside. She is big on Management, and I don’t particularly like being Managed. At least she is managing DeeDee, too. DeeDee has to be outside when the puppy is inside and inside when the puppy is outside. That’s because DeeDee actually loves the puppy too much and can be rough when she wants to play with him. Mom says we will both get to play with Jib when he is bigger.

I am hoping he will be bigger in another place, like Mom’s rescues are, and go to a nice forever home and leave Mom all to myself again. And maybe he will take DeeDee with him.

And “Jib.” What kind of a name is that? I thought the least Mom could do was name him something that goes with Sailor, like Hardtack or Scurvy or Keelhaul. I think I will call him Bilgewater.

Mom says all puppies are a pain in the kilts, but that this puppy is really a good puppy. Already, in two days, he has learned to sit, and down, and come, and stand, and poop and pee outside when Mom takes him. He had his nails clipped and didn’t play foot tug like I do. Mom trimmed his feet, too, and he only chewed the scissors three times. Mom says he is so good because his first Mom who was Responsible gave him a really good start in life.

Mom doesn’t see things the way they really are. This Bilgewater thing takes up way more time than he should. He cries sometimes when Mom goes in another room. He wakes us up at night and gets to go with Mom outside when I have to stay in my bed. He wants to pester me all the time, he makes DeeDee bark at him, and he gets LUNCH! Lunch, I tell you!

Mom says he’s just being a puppy, but I think he’s being a puppy-pain.

I was never like this, was I?

Happy Beaster


Sailor here.

Mom woke up, groaned, rolled over and I stuck my nose in her eye.

“Happy Beaster,” she said, throwing back the comforter and hobbling to the large water bowl in the small room.

Happy Beaster? Well, I am a beast.
“Oboy,” I thought, “a day devoted to making me happy!”

“It’s bunny day,” she added, stepping into her not-work pants.

Bunny day? I get to eat rabbit, too? For breakfast?

“I can’t wait,” I smiled and wagged my tail.

But breakfast was not as I had pictured. I don’t understand human language. Well, I DO understand Cheese, Sit, and Leave It! But a lot of the things that come out of Mom’s mouth go right over my headpiece.

While I waited for the Breakfast That Wasn't, Mom’s grandbaby, who is now 2 years old in human years, and her parents and her uncle came over. The grown ups shuffled around in the backyard, putting eggs down on the grass.

Eggs? For me?

“Well, OK, I like eggs,” I thought, “especially if Mom opens them and pours the insides into my bowl over a blob of yogurt.” I got ready to eat eggs.

But that was not to be either. Mom picked a really rotten time to practice the LeaveIt! command. And she practiced it over and over. And over. BabyEllie got to pick up the eggs. She got to carry a basket. She got to put the eggs in the basket. She got to drop the basket on the bricks. She got to pick the eggs up all over again.

“Mom,” I whined from the deck where I was also practicing my long Down, “I can carry a basket, too. It’s like the dumbbell, I can carry it, and I can drop it, just like BabyEllie.”

Mom ignored me. BabyEllie ignored me. Zoe in the dog run ignored me. I felt, well, ignored.

And as I was waiting for the Eggs That Weren't, the most wonderful thing happened.

“Breakfast!” Mom called, and she wasn’t calling her human family. No, she was calling me and Zoe.

Mom put my bowl on the floor. Eggs! Rabbit! Yogurt! I glanced at Zoe to make sure she wasn’t going to spook me away from my bowl. Zoe glanced at me to make sure I wasn’t going to vulch over her bowl. And we both tucked in.


Happy Beaster, indeed. I celebrated Happy Feaster!


Lemmings!


Sailor here.

We have been invaded by lemmings. Well, actually the spirit of lemmings. Lemmings, according to Zoe (who is an arctic breed and knows about such things), throw themselves off cliffs. The spirits of these lemmings have possessed our house. No, our house hasn't thrown itself off cliffs, just everything else.

This morning, Mom was fixing pancakes. The pancake box did a lemming off the end of the counter. I sniffed it, but it wasn't much interesting. MUCH more interesting were the eggs. I like lemming splats with eggs. And Mom didn’t disappoint me.

"Lick, Sailor," Mom said, and I licked. And crunched. And licked again.

Mom says next time she will use the counter with the berm, not the counter with the straight drop-off. I disagree. I much prefer the marble counter with the drop to the bottom. It's yummy potential is high.

While I was hanging out under the marble counter, Mom went downstairs to the laundry room and lemminged the laundry out of the dryer and into the basket. Then she tripped coming back up the stairs and lemminged herself bump to the bottom. She landed on top of the laundry. While the laundry was washing itself again, it got unbalanced and the sashaying of the washer lemminged the dog towels off the shelf.

Giving up on laundry, Mom then decided to take down the Christmas tree and, yup, lemmings struck again. Fortunately, because of Zoe and Josie the FatCat, all our ornaments are soft and bouncy, not hard and shattery. But Mom says she is still waiting for the Retrieve light bulb to go off in my brain so I can help the put the lemming stuff away. My brain bulb is staying stubbornly dim.

Mom says that gravity is just strong today, and that's why the lemmings have invaded our house, why her jeans are too tight, and why she had trouble Ah-erging Zoe onto the grooming table.

Mom also says she wants to take Zoe and me for a long walk after breakfast, but NO WAY! I am not going to go, no sir, no. I am staying safe. Indoors.

Mom Goes Herdiing


Sailor here.

Today Mom herded. And I had to watch from afar. Actually from a window.

“Gee, Sailor,” Mom said at breakfast (hers AND mine). “We sure had a windstorm last night. Gotta go clean up.”

With that, she walked out the back door and returned with the dog dryer under her arm.

“Mom,” I said, “am I going to have that B-word first?”

“No, you’re safe, Sailor. You may know this as a dog dryer, but most of our neighbors think it’s really a leaf blower. I am going to herd today. “

“Herd? Just WHAT are you going to herd? Can I come?”

“I think you’ll be safer inside instead of running around barking your head off like you do when you protect me from the dreaded mop.”

“You’re mopping?”

“Yeah,” she smiled at me. “More like mopping up.”

“Sheep?” I persisted. “Suffolk? Southdown? Rambouillet?”

“Sheep. Mostly Maple Leaves and Redwood Needles.”

“Hmmm, Needles,” I thought, “Strange breed of sheep. They must have long noses like collies.”

But Mom ignored me and trotted outside leaving me to watch from the living room window.

Mom turned on the dog dryer and started herding. She had a little trouble on her first outrun, splitting the flock and herding some of the leaves back into the garage. She regrouped and started over. Her next outrun was wonderful. The leaves didn’t lift very well, but rustled around until she got closer and then, dog alive, did they ever gather! She had things well under control until it was time for the drive.

Mom’s Needles are, well, sheepish. She couldn’t get them all to drive together because the larger the flock, the heavier the leaves, and the leaves and needles got stuck and wouldn’t move very well. She resorted to sorting them into smaller flocks and had much better luck. Maple Leaves gathered better than Redwood ones. Redwood Needles drove faster than Maple Leaves. Her drive was outstanding - boy, can Mom ever move her leaves! A flock of them galloped under the Dog car, and she gathered them up and headed them off in the right direction. She drove the rest of the leaves through the wheels of the daughter’s car and onto the dirt.

“Way to me! Come by!” I heard her yell above the roar of the dog dryer as she swept back and forth behind her flocks.

When the leaves and needles were all penned into the dirt area, one large, bubble-wrapped sheep-like blob stood out from the rest.

“Ah,” I groaned, “The dreaded shed.”

Mom’s shed was awful. The leaves were too light, the dog dryer too heavy and she had no way to fix this. Mom herds on only one speed, it seems: Fast. If she put the dryer on a down, it would have flown in circles all across the driveway. I know because she actually did this. Fortunately, the result was similar to when a bunch of sheepdogs run onto the field where the sheep aren’t and just dash around until they are called back.

Finally, she gave up on the shed and turned off the dryer. She bent over and picked up the bubbly plastic sheep and threw in into the garbage can.

When she came back inside, she turned to me and asked, “Well, how’d I do, Sailor?”

“Sixty-eight,” I answered, feeling kind and generous.

Plumbing Woes...Again


Sailor here.

Mom should just give up on this plumbing thing. Really. She usually embarrasses me but yesterday took the cookie.

I awoke from a snooze to hear cries of woe coming from the Room of the Giant Water Bowl. It seems that the water bowl had an intestinal blockage of some sort. Maybe Mom was feeding it the wrong sort of Raw Meaty Bones. Anyway, moans of dismay, two naps, and a doorbell alert later, a man who is not Roger my plumber friend showed up at the door. The bathroom door.

“I’ll go get my snake,” he said, heading for the door. The front door.

“Snake?” I asked. “He’s getting a snake? What’s that?”

“Snakes are fun,” said Zoe, lurking Siberian-style in the background. “They slither and hiss and spit.”

“Like our Rainbow kitty?” I asked, thinking of HissSpit who is at the Bridge.

“Nah,” Zoe sneezed. “More like Josie the FatCat. She can drag her belly across the carpet just by walking into the front room. That’s called slithering.”

“But Josie doesn’t have a snake belly now,” I said, well aware of what a few months at Mom’s Fat Farm can do to your belly.

At this point, Mom grabbed us and put us both outside, so I never got to smell the snake. Bah.

But the next thing I knew, she was calling me to jump into the car for a trip to the hardware store. I love the hardware store. The hardware store loves me. Sometimes Mom puts on my backpack and I pack Mom’s hard stuff to the car. Just for practice, she says.

Yesterday, we went to the hardware store to buy what Mom told me was a plunger.

“We are going to swim?” I asked, yawning in distress. Water is not my favorite thing.

“We are going to solve our plumbing problems,” Mom said, and proceeded to line up a row of weave poles across the floor. “Gotta find one that isn’t too stiff for me to collapse,” she explained as she leaned on all of them.

“Yay! Here’s a good one,” she said, and then tried to pick it up.

The weave pole stayed put. All the weave poles stayed put. I started to weave, even though Mom was yanking and pulling with all her might on the poles. I tripped over Mom. She tripped over me.

“May I be of assistance?” a voice behind us asked.

Mom turned the color of Zoe’s Kong. I stopped in mid-weave and popped out.

“Oh-oh,” I thought, “I goofed. I’m going to have to do all these poles over again.”

But Mom didn’t send me back to start re-weaving. Instead, she grinned a silly grin and said in a halting voice, “Stuck. They’re stuck.”

The hardware man chuckled and said, “I’ll get a potty knife.”

“Appropriate,” I thought, and watched him release the weave poles from the floor with a really flat knife.

By the time Mom and I got home, she was giggling and laughing and even had to turn up the cold wind in the car. She marched into the house waving her weave pole in triumph. She reminded me of her friend whose Siberian husky got his MACH and the friend got to run around the ring waving a specially decorated bar.

I don’t think I am going to let Mom use the Giant Water Bowl Room alone any more, though. It’s just to embarrassing.

From Sailor's Mom: Remember?


Remember your Novice A dog?

Remember all he taught you?

Remember how much you learned together?

Remember how proud you were the day you two earned that first obedience title...as a team?

Remember how that Novice A dog showed you how to develop a special relationship with all the dogs that followed?

Remember?

Novice A is the beginning.

Novice A is the first.

Novice A is new and exciting and can never be duplicated.

Novice A. Should be Novice Ahhhhhh.

Sailor, you are the only Novice A dog I will ever have. You’re very special.

Oh, Sailor, I love you so.

Nervous No More


Sailor here.

Mom is very proud of me. I am very proud of me. Over the weekend, I earned another leg in Nervous A and now have a Compact Disc somewhere hidden on me as well. I wonder if it is playing music with my microchip.

I find Mom’s happinesses very confusing, though, but I’ll humor her. She holds the cookies.

“Well, Sailor,” Mom said as she grinned and fed me cheese after my turn in the ring. “Three is the lucky number. Three trials, three legs, second place – not too shabby!” She held up a red ribbon for me to sniff. "You have a CD!"

“Gulp, lick,” was all I could manage at the time. I was worrying about having a limp with my now-I-have-seven legs.

“Now you are no longer in Novice A,” she went on. “You are now in Open!”

Open? Open? Did she say Open? Do I dare believe that now I will finally learn how to open things, like doors and cupboards and…and the refrigerator? The refrigerator???

“Actually, Sailor, Open is a lot of fun. You get to retrieve a dumbbell, jump over jumps, do a body slam on the recall…all sorts of fun stuff.”

“No refrigerator doors?” I asked.

“Nope. Just some off-lead heeling in the beginning.”

Off-lead heeling? The bane of my existence. No opening of doors?

“Hmmmph,” I grumbled. “I can just see me heeling around the ring on seven legs, limping and gimping. You may as well call it ‘Mopin’. I am now in Mopin’ A.”

Mom laughed and gave me some water. “Tomorrow will be just for fun, and a chance to earn an insurance leg on your Novice A title,” she said. “There will be cheese and you’ll be back in balance again.”

I perked up. Cheese? All right! With eight legs, I will be better prepared for the Open body slamming and jumping. Bring on tomorrow!

Actually, tomorrow brought itself on, as it always does. It brought heat with it, too. Despite the heat, I had a much better go-round in the Novice A ring since now neither Mom nor I was nervous. I stayed right with her except in the beginning of the off-lead heeling. But I was wonderful anyway. Mom was thrilled and says I even won a blue ribbon!

I liked my red one better, though. It smells like liver. It smells like Mom. But I must admit, blue is Mom’s color.

I Am an Insect!


Sailor here.

I am an insect! I have six legs.

Mom says that four are what I was born with and two are those nebulous things from our last two Obedience Trials that will follow me wherever I go, but not seen and not herd. I am still looking for them, though, and hope they won't pop up at unlikely times, like today, in the Nervous A ring. One must be cautious on days like today in the Nervous A ring.

I was cautious. I was very very cautious.

Mom says that today was one of those Embarrass Mom in The Ring days, but I disagree. So what if my brains fell out my nose the minute I entered The Ring. So what if the grass was more interesting than Mom. So what if Mr. Do-You-Have-Any-Questions was more interesting than Mom. So what if Mr. Do -You's hat was more interesting than Mom. So what if the ring ropes were a bit scary, not ropes at all, but these wooden pincher things that looked like they might grab you and accordion you into a very small collie. So what if Mom's backside was MUCH more interesting than her frontside, since her frontside did not have cheese attached to it. So what?

And to make matters worse, Mom was not nervous. What's up with this? This is Nervous A, she's supposed to be nervous, and I had to make sure she followed the rules. After all, she IS supposed to be obedient and that's my job, to make her look good.

No matter what Mom says, I did a great job. I made Mom nervous and got through all the exercises. And Mom's friend, Dyin' Aych, was amazed at my performance, too. She even told Mom that she just couldn't believe it when Mom said that so far, according to Mr. Do-You, we had qualified. Dyin' said that I really understood the concept, "in the vicinity". Furthermore, my Stand for Exam was stellar and Dyin' said my Recall was fabulous. I love the Recall.

Mom says I had a total eclipse of the brain.

If that is so, then how did I manage to win a red ribbon and a picnic basket that's really a nylon bag to hold my cheese and water? And how did I also manage to win Highest Scoring Therapy Dog?

Answer that, Mom, answer me that.

In Praise of Training

Sailor here.

Mom and I do a lot of training. We train in the morning. We train at lunch. We train after supper. I love it. We train five minutes here, thirty seconds there, ten seconds someplace else. (That’s in human years and not dog years, either.) I love it. We even go to dog school and train there.

“Mom,” I said, “Some of my doggy friends don’t like dog school and they don’t like training, but I do. Why is that?”

“Sailor,” she answered, “you always want to know why. Why do you think?”

Mom’s good at turning a question into a question. I’d rather have answers.

“Well, “ I said, lying down and crossing my white paw over my sable one. “I get cookies?”

“You don’t always get cookies,” Mom reminded me.

“Hmmmm,” I grumbled in good collie fashion. “Because you tell me how good I am? Because you play games? Because I have Fun with Mom?”

“Yup,” and Mom smiled.

“So, then, how come you’re so good at training if I’m your first dog ever?”

“Well,” Mom said with Reflection and Contemplation, “I am not totally inexperienced. I trained two human puppies before you came to me. And they turned out very well.”

“Did they get cookies, too?”

“Not often, no,” Mom said. “Usually I told them how great they were.”

“Did you tell them all the time like you tell me and thump them on the ribs?” I asked.

“Yup.”

“You THUMPED THEM ON THE RIBS?”

Mom laughed. “Instead of thumping, I hugged,” she said. “And I spent a lot of time looking for reasons to tell them how wonderful they were.”

I did the Doggy Grin, smiling and putting my ears back into my frill. I got thumps and they didn’t. I got cookies and they didn’t. And Mom spends a lot of time telling me how wonderful I am.
“Tell me what you did,” I said.

Mom leaned back into her chair. “One day we were driving in the car. The puppies were in the back seat punching each other…”

“They booped each other with their noses?” I asked, amazed. I have never seen humans punch like Zoe and me.

“They punched each other with their fists,” Mom clarified. “Anyway,” she went on, “that day, I asked them how long they could keep their paws to themselves. The minute one of them stopped punching, I thanked him and told him how much I liked seeing that.”

“Did it work?”

“Yup. Now then, imagine if I told you to knock it off and then said nothing else. It wouldn’t be as much fun as telling you that you were good for knocking it off.”

I thought about this. To make sure I understood, I said, “You mean, like when you tell me to LEAVE IT! and then say GoodBoy right afterwards? Like when you say Sit! if I look like I am going down on the LongSitStay, and then say GoodDog right afterwards?”

“Yup. The same. It’s called praise.”

I wagged and crossed my sable paw over my white one. This made sense. I love praise. I love hearing GoodBoy, and Mom says it a lot.

“Did you make human puppy training into a game, too?” I asked, remembering all the fun games Mom and I play.

“Sometimes,” Mom said. “I might ask them how long they could each keep their hands to themselves. If one said One second, the other would say Two seconds, I’d say Ten seconds, and we‘d take turns bidding all the way up to a three or four minutes. By the time we were through bidding and laughing and daring each other, the three or four minutes had already gone by and they were ready to do something else besides punch each other.”

“Then who won?” I asked.

“We all did,” Mom said.

“Then did they get cookies?”

“Not as often as you do,” Mom answered.

I smiled again, glad Mom has learned enough about training to give me cookies.

“Did they ever get in trouble for punching?” I asked. I have learned all about trouble from Zoe.

“Once they wouldn’t stop punching, so I stopped the car and parked, got out and walked off into a field and hid behind a tree,” Mom said.

“The Open Group Exercise, huh?” I said proud that I knew what the Long Out-of-Sight Sit Stay is. “Did they qualify?”

“They panicked,” Mom said. “When I got back into the car, they were as good as golden retrievers.”

“And did you tell them how good they were?” I asked. I understand about panicking when Mom is Out Of Sight during the Open Group Exercises.

“Yup, I’m sure I did,” Mom answered.

“And did you tell them that Mom always comes back?”

“I’m not sure that I did,” Mom answered.

“Big mistake,” I said, yawning with distress. “That’s important to know.” I am still struggling with the Open Group Exercises. But the dumbbell, now, that is another story. I love the dumbbell!

I jumped up. “Come on, Mom, let’s play games now. I want to go outside and play Heel and Halt and Ready, Set, Go! I want to run for my dumbbell and bring it back to you!”

I stood, stretched, and play-bowed. “Come on!”

I leaped across the room and rang the bell on the back door. “Hurry up!” I clacked my teeth together and wagged my tail. I pranced my front feet on the wood floor. “And don’t forget the cookies!”

Six Legs, Really


Sailor here.


Well, Mom’s really done it this time. She’s confused me past the point of endurance. She says I have another leg. She says it’s somewhere on ACK paper. As near as I can tell, it’s like the Emperor’s New Leg undergoing puppy potty training, but this still doesn’t make any sense at all. Let me explain.

This morning before the sun was truly up, Mom and I harrupped ourselves into the big blue dog Behemoth and took off across the mud flats and slappy water. We parked and made our way down a hill, me carrying my backpack with all my stuff in it and Mom carrying my dog show crate and her chair. I also carried all her stuff, gentleman that I am. We set up camp, said Hi to our collie friends, and gave Mrs. Counterclockwise-Everybody a big smooch. Mom gave me some water, and I prepared myself for the usual Mom and Me in the Ring workshop.

But no, today was most unusual. Mom wasn’t her normal self. In fact, overnight she had turned into someone I didn’t know and didn’t particularly want to have anything to do with. She even made me dangle my prepositions and drool a bit at the mouth. She was acting decidedly odd.

“Having another Nervous A day, Mom?” I asked with a sigh. “Didn’t we get that all behind us months ago?”

“Uh, er, heel, heel,” Mom mumbled, turning in small circles.

I circled with her, concerned and puzzled.

Since I was younger than Mom, I got to ask, “Why is today different from all other days?”

Mom looked down at me. She looked up at the sky. She surveyed the rings, the people, and her friends. I surveyed her pockets, which were alarmingly empty.

“No different,” she said with a great big breath. “Thanks.”

I yawned to keep her company in her stress-relieving exercises. And did you know that pockets with no cheese are a bit like a place setting at dinner with no dinner guest? And no dinner? Before I could point this out, Mom called me to heel.

And away we went into the ring.

And away we came out of the ring after all the usual stuff. And back in for sits and downs. And back out. But today WAS different than any other day. It seems that somehow during the course of morning, I have acquired another leg!

Now, just where is it? And this brings my total of legs up to what number? Mom says I now have six. I can only see two most of the time with two more sometimes near my tummy when I lie down, but not always. So, I conclude that I have two always-legs, two sometimes-legs and two nebulous ones floating around Dog knows where waiting for the opportune time to attach themselves to me…somewhere.

I am a bit Nervous A all right waiting for those legs to strike. Mom says not to worry, though, they are obedient legs and will heel along with me with no trouble at all. And when I have acquired one more obedient leg, I will finally have that compact disk, the point of all this ring-with-no-cheese nonsense.

All in all, though, the day was fun. The best part was the cheese, and the next best part was the yellow squeaky monkey that matches my yellow third place ribbon. Mom can have the ribbon, it doesn’t taste very good. I will tease Zoe with the monkey next time I see her.


Five Legs, Really?


Sailor here.


Well, Mom’s really done it this time. She’s confused me past the point of endurance. She says I have another leg. She says it’s somewhere on ACK paper. As near as I can tell, it’s like the Emperor’s New Leg undergoing potty training, but this still doesn’t make any sense at all. Let me explain.

This morning before the sun was truly up, Mom and I harrupped ourselves into the big blue dog Behemoth and took off across the mud flats and slappy water. We parked and made our way down a hill, me carrying my backpack with all my stuff in it and Mom carrying my dog show crate and her chair. I also carried all her stuff, gentleman that I am. We set up camp, said Hi to our collie friends, and gave Mrs. Counterclockwise-Everybody a big smooch. Mom gave me some water, and I prepared myself for the usual Mom and Me in the Ring workshop.

But no, today was most unusual. Mom wasn’t her normal self. In fact, overnight she had turned into someone I didn’t know and didn’t particularly want to have anything to do with. She even made me dangle my prepositions and drool a bit at the mouth. She was acting decidedly odd.

“Having another Nervous A day, Mom?” I asked with a sigh. “Didn’t we get that all behind us months ago?”

“Uh, er, heel, heel,” Mom mumbled, turning in small circles.

I circled with her, concerned and puzzled.

Since I was younger than Mom, I got to ask, “Why is today different from all other days?”

Mom looked down at me. She looked up at the sky. She surveyed the rings, the people, and her friends. I surveyed her pockets, which were alarmingly empty.

“No different,” she said with a great big breath. “Thanks.”

I yawned to keep her company in her stress-relieving exercises, well aware that pockets with no cheese are a bit like a place setting at dinner with no dinner guest. And no dinner. Before I could point this out, Mom called me to heel.

And away we went into the ring.

And away we came out of the ring after all the usual stuff. And back in for sits and downs. And back out. But today WAS different than any other day. It seems that somehow during the course of morning, I have grown another leg!

Now, just where is it? And this brings my total of legs up to what number? Mom says I now have five. I can only see two most of the time with two more sometimes near my tummy when I lie down, but not always. So, I conclude that I have two always-legs, two sometimes-legs and one nebulous one floating around Dog knows where waiting for the opportune time to attach itself to me…somewhere.

I am a bit Nervous A all right waiting for that leg to strike. Mom says not to worry, though, it is an obedient leg and will heel along with me with no trouble at all. And when I have miraculously acquired one more obedient leg, I will finally have that compact disk, the point of all this ring-with-no-cheese nonsense.

All in all, though, the day was fun. The best part was the cheese, and the next best part was the yellow squeaky monkey that matches my yellow third place ribbon. Mom can have the ribbon, it doesn’t taste very good. I will tease Zoe with the monkey next time I see her.

Dog Car Blues


Sailor here.

My dog car has disappeared. It’s been disappeared for quite a while. Every time I run out the front door, I search the driveway, but it’s not there. In its place is what Mom calls the Blue Behemoth. What’s a Behemoth?

The Behemoth is big and beautiful. It has tires that smell like tires and not other dogs-in-parking-lots. The front seat smells like Mom. The back seat smells like a back seat. The back-back smells like ME! When Mom first opened the back-back, I jumped right in. Oooh, carpeting. Mom motioned me out. I jumped out. I jumped back in. Mom laughed.

“Sailor,” she said, “Stay out a minute while I move you in.”

Move me in? I just showed her how well I could move myself in!

But then she went on to lift in my wire crate, my crate blankie, my soft dog show crate, my leashes, my water bowl and my basket of brushes. She also lifted in her chair and stuffed it into a corner.

“Okay, Sailor,” she said. “Hop in!” She held my crate door open.

I hopped in again. I settled down. I felt right at home.

I used to be able to look out the windows of the old dog car and see the streetlights, the cars next to us, and the sidewalk. Now I see the back of the back seats and the back of the front seats and the back of Mom. The Behemoth’s windows are above my head and I can’t see out, but looking at Mom’s head is really great. No matter how the front of her head looks, the back never changes. I find this comforting.

Suddenly a whooshing noise erupted above my head and cold air gushed down on me. I jumped a little and looked up.

“What’s that?”

“How do you like your own air conditioning, Sailor?” Mom asked, fiddling with a dial in front of her.

The air whooshed loudly and the fur on my back was ruffled. Then it whooshed more softly and I was bathed in a cool breeze.

“I can turn on the heat for me and the cold for you,” she went on.

“You mean I get to be cool enough when you get to be warm enough?”

“Yup, I can be toasty and you can be frosty.”

Cool.

Mom fiddled with some dials again and suddenly the back-back windows opened. They closed. They opened again.

“Sailor, are your windows open?” Mom asked.

“Mom,” I said, panting a bit with concern. “Are you all right?”

Mom turned around and looked at me. She looked at my windows. “Open,” she mumbled, stating the obvious. “I wanted to know how these worked before we got underway.”

The back-back windows closed. The air conditioning whooshed. The car rumbled to life and off we went!

I shifted onto one hip, relaxed in the lap of luxury and looked at the back of Mom’s head. “Great dog car, Mom,” I told her silently, “Great dog car.”

So, when do I get my own flight attendant?


Deck the Halls with Grass and Mud and Pie


Sailor here.

This morning, Mom popped out of bed, looked out the window, and said, “Look, Sailor, blue sky!”

She fed me breakfast, grabbed my leash and hustled me outside for a pee. Then she bundled me into the car and we pealed out of the driveway. We drove for along time, but I knew we weren’t going to a dog show because Mom didn’t smell nervous. I knew we weren’t going to dog school because Mom didn’t smell like cheese and freeze-dried liver. Where were we going?

We parked in a puddle by a pie store.

“Pie?” I asked Mom. “Do I get pie?”

“You already had breakfast, Sailor,” Mom answered. “I’m going to have pie.”

I offered to give back my breakfast so I could have pie, too, but Mom said, “Better not,” so I didn’t. Hmmph.

Mom turned away from me to speak to the person getting out of the car next to us. I lifted my nose toward the window (long noses come in handy) and smelled my friend, Mrs. Counterclockwise-Everybody! I wagged and drooled, but nobody noticed me.

Then another car drove up and my friend, Neat-O got out! Neato! But she didn’t notice me, either. And a third car drove up and out stepped Die-Anne. Now, this person has always been very nice to me and Mom says she has a collie, too, but I am a little nervous around her because my job in life is to guard Mom and her job in life, well, just look at her name. But nothing bad has ever happened to us, so I guess her name is another of those misnomers Mom tells me about.

The four of them disappeared inside the pie store for about seven hours. {ed: that’s in DOG years and not human years}. When they came back, Mom smelled like coffee and biscuits and waffles and hash browns.

“Carbo loading?” I asked. I know all about carbohydrates from when I used to eat kibble.

“Yup,” Mom answered and we drove off, bumpity-bump over the curb.

We stopped by some mud and a fence and some grass and some trees. The backs of the other cars opened and guess what? Collies! Bow-wows of collies! My friend, Conner was there with his new little brother, Tanner. Their Mom, Neat-O, finally said hello to me. Jamie and Geordie were there and Mrs. Counterclockwis-Everybody finally said hello to me. EZ was there with Die-Anne and he was new and sniffed me and I sniffed him, politely of course, and Die-Anne finally said hello to me. Then we all took off across what turned out to be a baseball field.

We headed like a line drive into the outfield. We ran around in circles, collie style. We chased tennis balls and Frisbees and each other. We got cookies, and Neat-O even gave us salmon bits.

“Dog school, after all,” I thought. I stood by Mom and waited for her to say Heel or Front or Stand for Exam. All she said was, “Run! Go play!”

Play? Dog school IS play. But we didn’t stand for exam. In fact, we didn’t stand at all. We ran and chased and barked. Boy, did we bark.

And then we all got cookies from Neato and Die-Anne. That was the best part!

Too soon, we said good-bye and now I am so tired I can’t pick my head up from the floor to follow Mom into the bathroom. She’ll just have to keep herself safe in there without me.