"Dogs: while three of you were sleeping this morning, I was on the elliptical. While two of you were sleeping, I was running agility with the third. I just took all three of you for a LONG walk. I know supper is late. I need to put my feet up for a few minutes.
"There will be no ringing for the butler. There will be no yelling, yipping, or rowrr-rowrr-ing. There will be no booping me with noses, long or short, especially short. And no roughhousing around the coffee table, either.
Mom told me the story of Crispyness. She told Zoe and Jib, too. It is a story about a puppy and his hot dogs, bubble gum, and cookies.
Long ago in another part of the world, a puppy was born. He was a special puppy. He was born in a barn and his eyes were open as soon as he was dry. He saw lambs and sheep and dogs and angels and a donkey. The puppy was wrapped in a puppy quilt to keep him warm. He went to sleep in the donkey's food bin and the donkey didn't mind. Not one bit.
When the puppy was born, the sky had holes in it. A big star shone through the holes. It was brighter than all the other stars. It was like Mom's big flashlight, only higher. Much higher. The star led the Three Amigos to the barn. They smoked Camels and were Kings. They were also wise, but Mom says smoking is really bad for you, so maybe they were just Kings. They brought presents to the puppy. They brought Solid Gold crispy cookies, frankfurters and dried bubble gum.
The puppy's Mom was named Mary. She loved her puppy very much. His Dad was old and named Joseph, and he loved the puppy, too. The angels sang to the puppy and a little boy played his drum for him and when he stopped drumming, all was peaceful in the barn. The sheep and lambs and dogs and angels and the donkey were all best friends on that night.
This is why we say "Mary Crispyness." Because of the puppy's Mom. And the cookies.
And this is why my Mom gives me toys and treats and extra lovings.