I Am Happy

Sailor here.

I am happy. I am very happy. My neck feels like it always feels. My tummy is fine. I can bark at the gardeners. I can jump onto the deck. I can tell Jib to get out of my face and roll him in the dirt. I can run with Zoe.

I am happy.

I like Mom to rub my neck and shoulders. I still don’t like Mom to rub my back, but she says it is good for my back muscles. I’d rather she does good things to my shoulder and neck muscles. When she massages my neck, I lean into her chest and close my eyes. When she massages my low back, I try to move away from her fingers. Mom says this, too, shall pass. She says that medicine and acupuncture will do the trick.

I do tricks! I did my Lassie trick for her. I did my Bang Bank trick. I even barked when Mom said, “Speak!” Barking did not hurt my neck. Bang Bang did not hurt my back. And the Lassie trick got my cookies!

I am happy.

Oweee!

Sailor here.

My neck hurts. My back hurts. I think even my teeth hurt. I told Mom how much I hurt yesterday and she called Dr. Karen. She drove off. She came back and shoved things down my throat. I didn’t like this because I couldn’t lift my head. But then I began to feel better. After I felt drunk.

Mom wants to know how I hurt myself, but I’m not telling. If I do, someone will probably get in trouble. And his name might be Bilgewater.

It was hard to sleep because I was afraid to lie down. It hurt to lie down in most of my favorite positions, so I stood a lot last night. Mom talked to me a lot in the dark, but I was too drunk to notice. The only place I slept was on my dog bed with my head hanging over my front feet.

This morning, Mom got up looking awful. She says when I have a bad night, she has a bad night. I must have had an awful night. She took me to Dr. Karen and I hung out with whining dogs. Dr. Karen was able to move my head all around, and I was afraid it would hurt, but it didn’t hurt too much. Then she took pictures of my bones. Everyone petted me. But nobody gave me cookies.

Then Mom took me to JD who had cookies hidden in a box. JD said I was beautiful and then did all sorts of things to my back and shoulders and neck. And toes. Mom says JD stuck needles all over me, too, but I didn’t notice. I was busy trying to figure out how to get to those cookies.

Finally, JD gave me cookies and Mom took me home.

I am tired. Mom gives me medicine to keep me comfortable, and it keeps me drunk. I am feeling better but my neck still hurts. Jib is being nice to me and Mom is being extra nice to me. I can sleep now on the rug and don’t have to hang my head over anything. I can still walk and trot a little and pee and eat and drink water. Mom gives me medicine inside of cheese and she stayed home to be with me today.

Maybe being drunk isn’t so bad after all.

Happy Birthday, Zoe!

Sailor here.

Mom says today is Zoe’s birthday. She is thirteen years old! Zoe had a big breakfast and smeared turkey and bacon all over her nose. She spent some time licking it off, but she wouldn’t let me help. Mom says it’s her birthday, her turkey and bacon, and her nose. So I had to sit and watch. Jib sat and watched, too. We both drooled.

Then Mom took us all for a walk and Zoe and I were tethered together as usual. Zoe sniffed when I wanted to pee and I sniffed when she wanted to pee. Mom says we have to learn to pee and sniff together so I won’t be dragged everywhere. But Zoe is old now. She doesn’t drag me like she used to. She walks by my side and doesn’t forge ahead except when we first reach the end of the driveway. She doesn’t tell Jib to be bad and she lines out when Mom says, “Line out!” when our leashes get tangled around everybody’s legs.

Zoe runs in the back yard like she used to, but she doesn’t run as fast. Or as far. She doesn’t run down the fence line and across the back and down the other fence line like she used to. She starts to run that way, and when Jib takes off and tries to beat her to the fence, she ducks behind the bushes and watches Jib run all by himself. Her feet laugh at him and he barks when he sees her standing there.

She still plays Fun Police, though. When I grab Jib by his ruff and throw him on the grass, no matter where Zoe is, she comes running when she sees this. She breaks us up by running between me and Jib, and she barks at me and shoulders me away. Mom says she did this when Jib was a wee lad because she didn’t want the puppy to be mauled by me. But she still does it! And Jib is not a puppy and likes to be mauled by me. He asks for it. He really does.

Zoe is quite deaf, too. Mom has to go all the way into her dog house now and knock on the roof to wake Zoe up for breakfast. Before, if Mom so much as turned the doorknob on the back door, Zoe would pop up, wide awake. Zoe can’t hear Mom call her name, so Mom uses her hand and arm to call Zoe for supper, too. But Zoe has to be looking at Mom to see that it’s supper time. If she is looking at the neighborhood, Mom has to go up to her and tell her with her hands that it’s supper time. Then Zoe runs to her dog yard for her chicken thighs.

But Mom says Zoe is doing very well for an old lady. She never limps, although she walks slowly for the first few steps in the morning. She still romps with Jib and me and she loves going for walks. She isn’t so keen on eating like she used to be, but Mom feeds her all sorts of things she doesn’t feed me. And Zoe still doesn’t like baths and she still loves to chase squirrels and she is happy all the time. Mom says she’s still a love and a Siberian and we should be so lucky when we are as old as Zoe.

Happy birthday, Zoe! I hope you share your supper with me.

I Am a Great Dog!

Jib here.

Sailor had a bath today. Mom says he behaved very well in the tub and on the air blow table. Mom says he doesn’t mind having baths.

I mind. I mind having baths. Mom looked at me funny and said if I can play in the hose and have fun and get wet, why do I hate baths so much? Mom, get real. When I play in the hose, my skin doesn’t get wet! My fur does, but my skin stays dry. In the tub, Mom makes sure I am wet all the way to the skin. All the way!! And I hate that.

Sailor says he doesn’t like wet skin either. And that Mom is wrong. He hates baths. But he says that he knows how to be good. He says that Mom thinks he’s a Great Dog and that way, he can be bad sometimes. Because she still thinks he’s great.

Sailor says I can be bad sometimes too if I make Mom think I am a Great Dog. He says that I don’t have to be a good dog first to be a Great Dog. If Mom thinks I am a Great Dog, she won't mind if I'm not good all the time.

So I decided to make Mom think I am a Great Dog. Then if she says my middle name is Trouble, she will still think I am a Great Dog.

Mom had a party last night. I practiced being a Great Dog. Sailor barked and yipped, “Mom! Mom! Mom!” when Mom’s friends were eating dinner. I didn’t say a word. Well, when the dog down the street walked by, I yelled at her, but then I was quiet.

When Mom let me and Sailor out of jail, I didn’t jump on anyone. I didn’t sniff anybody in places I am not supposed to. I Left It when Mom said, “Leave It!” I caught my Frisbee in mid-air and didn’t sniff the food on the table and didn’t run out the front door more than once because I wanted to make sure Mom’s friends got in their car and not my car.

I was a Great Dog! I knew it. But I wanted to hear Mom say it. And she did!

Today, Mom took me to a dog show. She said I was making my Deb-yoo in obedience. I was Novice. Mom was Nervous. She smelled nervous and forgot to give me breakfast.

Sailor warned me about her. He told me how to make her Sub-Nervous. I followed his destructions and I was great! I Got Ready real fast and Mom smiled. I watched her when we went into the ring and didn’t sniff the grass. Mom smiled again. When she said, “Ready,” to Mrs. Are You Ready, I looked at her. Mom forgot to be nervous.

Mom says I exceeded her expectorations. Zoe says this means she can spit really far. I didn’t see her spit. She certainly didn’t spit on ME. But she was happy and said I got an NQ. She says it stands for Not Quite because my elbow came up off the ground when the judge said, “Return to your dogs.” Mom says I NQ’d by an elbow.

But I think NQ means Not Quiet. Mom set up my crate and left me alone. I was good. I was quiet. I was busy with my treat barrel. But I barked in my crate when Mom came back. I wanted her to pay attention to me. She didn’t. I barked. She still didn’t. Then I went back to my treat barrel and Mom told me I was good. When she walked away, I was quiet. When she came back, I NQ’d again, but not for long. And when I had to Find A Spot, I barked and Mom knew what I needed and we went for a walk and found some really good leg lift bushes.

So I Not Quieted at the dog show. But Mom says there are always other shows. I wonder if I will NQ again. And if I don’t, what is it that I will do?

Sailor says I will grow another leg.

???

Middle Names

Jib here.

Do you have a middle name? Sailor does. He says it’s “Good Dog.” Zoe’s middle name is “Oh NO, Not Again.”

I have a middle name, too. Mom says it’s Trouble. I wonder why.

True, Mom left me in the backyard yesterday.

True, I found a flower pot full of flowers.

True, I dug up the flowers.

True, I chewed up the flower pot.

Mom says that’s why I had a bath today. There was mud in ears and my ruff and between my toes.

Yesterday, Mom left me inside, too. That was before she kicked me out to the flowers.

I found a mirror and a wooden hunk of wood. Mom says it WAS a puzzle piece belonging to the GrandGirls. I say it was yummy. Especially the knob on the top.

True, the mirror smelled like Mom’s hands.

True, it crunched really well.

True, I didn’t swallow any of it. Or the puzzle pieces.

True, Mom made a face and said, “Your middle name is Trouble. I thought we were through with that.”

True: We will NEVER be through with that! Even when I am as old as Sailor. Even when I am as old as Zoe. Or even…Mom! Never!

I chew. I am a dog. I chew. That’s how I find out about things.

True, I chew.

My middle name should be Chewy.

Breakfast at the Park

Jib here.

Mom has lost her mind. She says I am competing. I am competing in a few weeks. I need to be hungry.

Well, I AM hungry.

I am hungry at the playground.

I am hungry at dog school.

I am hungry in the park.

Mom takes me to the park for breakfast. She sets up my crate. She puts my breakfast on top. Then she asks me if I am hungry.

Yes! Yes! I AM hungry.

Then she tells me to Get Ready. She tells me to Heel. She tells me to Sit and Stay. She tells me to Get Ready again. If I Get Ready really fast, I get breakfast. If I heel right next to her, I get breakfast. If I sit and watch her, I get breakfast. Or a bit of breakfast.

Sometimes I get it all. Sometimes I get many bites.

I think that maybe Breakfast in the Park is the same as Breakfast in the Backyard.

Zoe says that someday I may even have Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Who is Tiffany? I want to go to her house and Be Hungry.

Mom says that if I can Be Hungry at the dog show, I will be dynamite.

What is dynamite?

Sailor hopes it’s a large, juicy cookie, big enough to share.

Zoe says it’s something that blows up.

I don’t want to blow up.

Blowing up means a trip to the vet.

A very, very fast trip.

And it means awful things done to my insides.

I don’t want to be dynamite!

I want to be hungry. At the Park.

Oh no, my BANANA!!

Jib here.

Today I learned something. I love bananas!

Mom has bananas. She peeled a banana. She did something with a knife. Then she dropped a banana.

Sailor said, “Ick. Banana slices. You don’t want to eat THOSE!”

But Sailor was standing there. Standing over the banana. Standing. Right. There. Drooling.

So I ate it. I ate the banana.

And my mouth said, “Oboy!”

Then Mom dropped another banana. I ran for it. Sailor beat me to it. HE ate it. Ate it all up!

“Hey,” I said. “You don’t like bananas.”

Sailor gave me a funny look. “It’s all your fault,” he said. “If you weren’t right here, watching Mom cut up fruit, I wouldn’t have to eat it.”

“So don’t,” I said.

Sailor mumbled something about logic not counting.

Mom laughed and called us Bozos. She said something about competition, whatever that is. Then she put my bananas in some baggies and put the baggies into the freezer. She grabbed a BIG YELLOW banana and went outside.

Sailor and I followed her. Will we get more bananas?

I fell into heel position, waiting for bananas. Sailor fell into heel position, too. I was at Mom’s elbow. Sailor was at MY elbow. Mom walked around the lawn. She PEELED the banana.

“Sailor,” I nudged him. “Do you like banana peels?”

Sailor fell out of heel position and sat down to think. He thought long. He thought hard. Then he said, “Banana peels are the best!”

But Mom didn’t give me the peel. She threw it into the bin with the lawn clippings.

I got distracted from the banana. The neighbors are having a party. They are making noise with music and laughing.

I can smell chips and salsa. I can smell stuff that smells a little bit like the stuff Mom used to clean my ears before she tapes them to make them pretty for the photographer. Sailor says later on the neighbors will make the fire smell and have cooked meat.

But they don’t have bananas. Mom has bananas.

A car pulled up in front of our house. People got out and walked toward the neighbors. Sailor and I had to announce them. We ran to the fence and barked. And barked. And barked!

Mom called us. She doesn’t let us bark at the neighbors. Or their friends.

Sailor came running to Mom. I didn’t. I needed to bark a few more barks. So the neighbor’s friends would know I was Jib.

In mid-bark, I turned to see if Sailor was going to bark some more. He needed to tell everyone that he is Sailor.

But guess what? Mom gave him a banana!

I ran to Mom, too. I ran fast. But I wasn’t fast enough. I didn’t come right away when she called.

And Mom looked me in the eye. She smiled. And she ATE MY BANANA! She put it in her mouth and it disappeared.

She ATE it! MY banana!

I skidded to a halt in front of Mom.

Did she say, “Oh, Jib, here you go: have the rest of the banana?”

Did she say, “Oh, Jib, good boy, let me get you your very own whole banana?”

Did she say, “Oh, Jib, let me give you some cheese to go with your banana?”

Did she? NO!

She looked at me and said, “You snooze, you lose.”

To me! Who NEVER snoozes when there are bananas!

Sailor smirked. I smelled his lips to see if HE got the whole banana. I couldn’t tell.

Hmmmph.

I feel like biting something.

Like a banana.